Mid-20s Malaise

Struggling against the inevitable since 1986!

Brotherly Love

Last night, I injured my hand.

I was going to (half-jokingly) punch my brother, but I accidentally punched the fridge instead.


I had my hand packed in ice for the next three hours.

I don’t know why I still attempt to take on my brother. He’s three-and-a-half years younger than I am, but bigger and stronger. This wasn’t always the case, and the incident made me think back fondly on some of our fights of yore.

– I was a fat teenager. Around the age of 15, I reached a peak weight of 103 kilograms. (Considering I am exactly 40 kilograms lighter today, people usually find this hard to believe.) Despite the emotional and physical drawbacks of being a fat teenager, it was great for my fighting abilities. Actually, I didn’t really fight: I’d just sit on my brother. Rather like the Muddle-headed Wombat, one of my favourite characters in children’s literature, whose problem-solving skills revolved around sitting on people and things. My brother, a lanky 11-year-old at the time, could only flail helplessly beneath my bulk.

– A variation on the above involved sitting on my brother or sister and farting on them. Just for kicks.

– Fights often broke out over couches and the television remote control. If, when watching television of an evening, one of us went to get a drink or to go to the bathroom without announcing “My seat, my remote, can’t take it!”, the seat and remote control in question were up for grabs. The grabber was then in control of what channel we were watching. If one returned and objected to this turn of events, one was put back in one’s place with the irrefutable logic of the slogan “You move, you lose!” Indeed. The only recourse was, clearly, fighting. I remember one particular episode when we were brawling near our dad’s weights bench and treadmill, and an enormous glass sliding door. Very safe conditions. My brother had me in a headlock, and so I bit his thumb. He shrieked, let me go, and accused me of fighting like a girl before storming off. Harsh words, for sure, but I still won, didn’t I?

– As well as being skinny, my brother was also shorter than me. When he was coming at me in a fit of anger, I could simply put my hand against his forehead and his windmilling arms couldn’t reach me. Result! Of course, my brother eventually grew. Because I went to university in a town several hours from where I grew up, there were often months between the times I saw him, and he grew quickly in these times. I still remember the first time I tried the old hand-on-the-forehead trick, and his hands managed to make contact with my face. He was nearly as shocked as I was. This was, of course, the beginning of the end, and my brother is now a muscle-bound freak while I remain a poor and lanky excuse for a man.

Fortunately, our conflict-resolution skills have evolved, and we very rarely resort to fisticuffs.

Especially not when fridges get in the way.


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4 Responses

  1. Rachel says:

    OHMIGOD! that is brilliant! Nothing like sitting on someone to show them who is the boss!!

    I never got to have physical fights with my brother. Apparently it’s mean to hit someone in a wheelchair. Even when he calls you a mole and runs over your toes. So I just bully him psychologically instead. Tell him he’s adopted. That kinda thing. All good fun.

    • liamliamliam says:

      People are way too precious about people in wheelchairs. I loved tickling my wheelchair-using friend when she was sitting on the couch and then running away. Heh heh.

      • Rachel says:

        True. He can give as good as anyone. Little arse. But I love him ;)

        P.S. Love the part where you farted on your siblings the best. Pure evil.

  2. Frances says:

    One time my brother and I were shoving each other in public and a lady came up to us with a sympathetic-yet-judgy look and gave us a pamphlet about Jesus.

    PS. Calling your brother a “muscle-bound freak” reminds me of that bit in the Simpsons where Bart calls Milhouse an “emotionally-crippled mini-Hulk” – http://images.fanpop.com/images/polls/38569_1197829401907_full.jpg

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